Selfish
by flufffmufffin
Summary: She knew it was selfish. She knew she couldnt have him  all to herself. But she couldnt stop her feelings anyways.
1. Chapter 1

Selfish

...

.

She knew it was selfish. She knew it was unlikely to ever be.  
She knew him so well. More than she knew herself usually.  
Yet there where so many secrets about him that she just couldn't  
find the answers to. So many things she didn't know about him  
that made her feel like they were disconnected.  
No matter how close they really were.

She felt like they were strangers sometimes.  
Lost in their own worlds, fighting for different things, yet still their  
separate worlds overlapping to one bigger world. Like a ven-diagram.  
She knew this to be true. She knew she loved Allen Walker.

The mysterious white haired boy with a red pentacleon his left eye.  
Cursed by an akuma. Those akuma that he cared so much for.  
The first day he showed up at the order. How polite he was back then.  
Always smiling. Always hopeful. His dangerous naivety often putting him  
In harms way. Making her mad.  
That was the old Allen.

Lenalee could see him disintegrating each day as they fought side by side.  
Things getting him down. She saw the worry in his eyes. The fear of not knowing what  
would happen to him and his own world he fought to protect. Everyone he knew up to that point.  
The indecision. Were they really who he thought they were? Was his life planned out for him all ready?  
Or did he really make his own path in the dirt as he walked?

Love felt so far away when he thought about how the one person who would've  
loved him for him, disfigured red arm and all, a homeless orphan boy with  
terrible manners. The one person who showed him love, might not have even  
been "sane" enough to tell the difference between him and his departed  
brother any ways. Whom by the way.. He just so happened to be carrying the  
memories of inside of him like an infection.

It made him wonder if he  
was really just a puppet after all.  
Whose strings were being pulled by some higher force.  
An organisation even. Lenalee thought of the Noah and the Earl.

She looked at him and she saw this.  
She knew this was how he felt. Because she could feel it too.  
The same emotions. The despair of war and love.  
Clashing like black ink on white paper.  
But she loved him for it. In her eyes there was no one more special than  
Allen Walker. The only Allen Walker there should ever be. He was sensitive.  
He was kind. He cared so honestly and deeply.

A genuine smile graced his features at times when he was the happiest  
and Lenalee felt her heart flutter with light every time she saw it.  
It made her world seem at least a little bit less dark.  
If only just temporarily. Even if she knew she might never have the  
chance to express it properly back. Even if she knew he might not feel  
the same exactly. She chose to ignore this most of the time.

He was growing up before her eyes. She supposed they all were together..  
Lavi, Kanda, Miranda, Krory.. herself. But Allen was getting taller and broader.  
His voice deeper and hair a little longer. He was getting more  
reckless each and every day, more powerful too. And this scared her to death.  
But his changes were also attracting her. She noticed.

She noticed a lot about him.

She knew she was selfish. She knew she wanted him all to herself.  
She'd hoped she was better than that. Better than being jealous of  
all the people Allen touched with his light. But she couldn't help it.  
She wanted to be the only one.  
She was ashamed of admitting this to herself. How far she had fallen  
for the boy (man) with white hair and a blood red pentacle on his left eye.  
The only Allen she'd ever have room for in her life.

...

.

A/N_:_ Sorry to ruin such a serious and thoughtful  
fic with my authors note here but...  
LOL my spell check after I wrote this was going crazy and having  
fun re naming Lenalee "Lenses" and Kanda "Candy".  
And apparently Allen doesn't have a red pentacle on his forehead.  
Its a tentacle!

E.g. "The mysterious white haired boy with  
a red tentacle on his left eye."

Hahahaha stupid.


	2. Chapter 2

Selfish::... . . .

Ch. 2

July 7th 1937- Black Order Organisation - underground dungeons-

"Mister Walker, you dont really think we'd put anything into your food?  
Wouldn't it be much easier to put it into your water? And as you know  
there isnt any in it." said the guard who was ordered to bring the prisoner his  
"food" when Inspector Link wasnt available. Placing down the tray of food on the  
floor next to Allen, he stood back up and looked down on him, standing  
in the light that poured in from the hallways. He watched the prisoner expectantly.

There was no repsonse.

"The only thing you'll be doing is depriving yourself unnecessarily of  
the food, we have so benevolently offered to you,; despite your actions."

"..and in anycase... if need be, there are more reliable ways of getting  
someone to talk …" The guard continued, undoubtedly enjoying the sound of his  
own voice. Allen just closed his eyes once again. Using Timcanpy as a pillow.  
He was tired and in pain, and had a huge headache. Apparently it didnt  
matter if his wounds were going to get infected. Just something more  
to help persuade him into talking right?

"Clearly you need a reality check _Mister _Walk-"  
the guard was suddenly cut off by a person entering the room.

" -Thats enough. Your job is done. Go wait by the door like your supposed to ." Said Link  
as he entered the cell, looking slightly miffed. More than usual anyways.  
"I dont recall you harassing him as part of your job description."

This guard had a knack for annoying Link. Or perhaps Link was just extra temperamental.  
A bit protective even. Maybe. But it wasnt without merit. In the time he'd gotten to know  
Allen he could definitely say, without a doubt that even though he was hiding something,  
undoubtedly something very big, that he was not the type of person that would ever cause harm to,  
or ever hurt someone. _Willingly._ He was a good kid. And he was also very stubborn.  
If he didnt want to talk, he wasnt going to.

The other guard sent him and Allen a slight glare before leaving the room, without a word,  
not daring to defy the orders of a higher rank than him. His footsteps slowly faded away into the distance.

"so..." said Link taking a seat at the table nearby.  
noticing the untouched food tray on the floor haphazardly pushed over  
to Tim so that he could eat it instead.

"..."

Link stared expectantly at Allen. Allen stared at the floor.

Link slammed his fists on the table

"Damnit Walker! we just want to know where you took him!"  
Link yelled visibly red and not afraid to let loose.

"Why wont you just talk! Does it even matter anymore?... Kanda's dead." He said looking down at the wooden table as he said this last part.  
Thats right. Kanda was gone. Alma was gone. And it was all his fault.  
He could have saved them but somehow, Link managed to screw that one up.

"And what would you do with that information?" said Allen speaking for the first  
time in three days. Link looked up in surprise. He never expected to actually get an answer this time,  
convinced Allen had forgotten how to talk. Link was in no mood for argument.

"…Thats not for you to know. As I recall your responsibility as an excorcist was to follow orders without question.  
Orders of which you blatantly ignored more than once,  
when you were told to attack Alma..." He couldnt exactly say himself actually.  
But he didn't want to admit that he was out of the loop. What would The Order do with that information?  
Send someone to go pick up Kandas dead body? As he wasnt high up enough to deserve knowing  
what exactly the game plan was about anything, always being uninformed, He couldnt say.  
It irritated him.. But he wasnt even sure he wanted to know anymore.

"... and then you decide to use the ark whenever and however you please.  
despite being strictly told not to." Link continued.

_Its more my ark then it will ever be the order's. Im the one who controls it arent I?_

"..."

Allen closed his eyes again, unfazed by Links lectures by now.  
Sighing he looked up at Link making eye contact. Link  
studied Allens bloody pant leg. As it were, there wasnt much need for words anyways.  
The emotions in the air ran thick and stiffling. Link understood.  
He knew Allen too well.

"I'll go get the nurse to fix you up." Link said getting up and exiting the room  
without a glance in Allens direction.

:::.. . . . .

.

A/N:  
This took me a while to write. I had to think about it a lot.  
I know its short xD Im not really sure what Im doing. Thank you for  
reading this, if you've made it this far. Please drop me a line or two  
if you would be so kind. =Db.

I'm following the current manga being translated monthly so  
this actually happened a while back for me .. But conveniently the manga  
as released in English(Volume 22) is right at this point. So I'll continue where Ive left off..

Also.. A question: When you write, do you plan out the storyline  
beforehand, or do you write it out as it comes to you?


End file.
